yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
