Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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