Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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