apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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