I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
