Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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