...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
