Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
