The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
