Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
