i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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