I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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