my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
