FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
