omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
