I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
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I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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