wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
