All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
