Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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