I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
