and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
