The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
