Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
