Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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