I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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