i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sext me about skeletons
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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