I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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