Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
