can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
