he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
