omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
