you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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