Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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