my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
