Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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