just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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