what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
