Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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