Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
