I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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