The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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