so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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