I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How does one acquire holy water?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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