Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
