Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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