I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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