Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
