Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
