she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I bet he comes in French.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
