remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
