I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He has the fingertips of a God
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