I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
