I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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