i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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