I think I won the penis lottery.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
