Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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