please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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