new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
