My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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