the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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