Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
