do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
