allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
