i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
